I stifle a yawn behind my champagne glass and blink my eyes several times, wondering how much longer the party will last. I sigh inwardly. Some party. I look around the banquet hall at all the stuffed shirts and overwhelming colours of the ladies dresses. The scene reminds me of a peacock.

"Heero!"

My head snaps up.

"What are you doing?!"

"Sorry, Relena…" I say as pathetically as I can muster. How can I not nod off? I want to say, but I hold the comment in. I do not feel like getting a tongue lashing from her tonight. I almost shudder at the thought of her screeching at me like a bat for half an hour.

"Let’s dance. That’ll wake you up," she says as she grabs my hand. My groan falls on deaf ears as she whisks me out onto the dance floor. She intertwines my hand in hers and I robotically lead her along, giving her a loud huff and roll of the eyes. She leans in close to me and whispers, "You are acting like a child. You’re twenty-seven years old, not seven, so start acting like it!" I cringe. It chills me that she can sound so harsh and still have a perfect smile on her face. I put on a big, goofy smile.

"That better?" I ask sarcastically. She shoots me a glare that succeeds in wiping the grin off my face. Her words suddenly echo in my head. Twenty-seven, not seven…

At seven I was more adult than anyone in this room is. During the war I was…I shake my head as if trying to shake away the thoughts. I can feel the pressure of tears in my eyes, a more familiar feeling now than at seven. It was so long ago. I’ve changed a lot since than. A lot. And it seems now that I can express my self and now that I've learned to live in peace, it just seems everything has gotten so much more complicated than before – in a different way. Instead of in my head it’s in my heart. During the war if I needed to figure something out I could research, but there isn’t any research I can do to figure out my own emotions. I can only try to interpret what I really want, and what I think I want. The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions - my old motto. I thought I was so right; I thought everything was so cut and dry. But I wasn’t right. I was impulsive. And now I know better.

"Heero, are you all right?" Relena calls me back to reality.

"What? Oh yeah," I mutter and wipe the few tears that escaped with the sleeve of my tuxedo jacket. She doesn’t bother to ask what upset me, nor will anyone at the party bring it up. They all know, and they’ve all seen me cry a lot more than a couple of tears. I always here them whispering behind my back. "Poor boy, scarred by the war. It’s terrible what those Gundam pilots had to go through. Bless their little hearts!" It’s a wonder they don’t have cavities from all the sugary sentences that spew from their lips. But I guess it’s better than being looked down on.

"Let’s go sit down," she says gently. I wonder if she feels guilty, like somehow she triggered the waterworks that never seem to fully turn off for me. Well, she did, but it seems that some days everything reminds me of the war.

"Heero, look! I can’t believe it!" Relena suddenly says excitedly. I frown and look to where she’s pointing. My puzzled frown suddenly turns into a hostile sneer.

"Dorothy Catalonia," I spit the name as if it is the most disgusting thing. Old feelings of hate thought to be long gone spark up into a bonfire at the sudden appearance of her.

"Heero, I can’t believe you! What do you two have to be so angry about after all these years? I think it’s exciting to see her after so long and we’re going over to say hello." I find myself being dragged over.

"Hello Miss Relena. Hello Heero. How have you been?" Dorothy says so sweetly that I feel as if I am going to throw up.

"Dorothy, it’s been too long! I’ve been fine and…" Relena and Dorothy ramble on and I try to look as disgusted as I can. "…should dance!" The phrase snaps me back to the conversation. I see Dorothy’s eyes light up and I send daggers at Relena. But she out does me, stepping on my toes with her high heel shoes.

"Miss Dorothy, would you like to dance with me?" I say through clenched teeth, partly from the pain of Relena’s toe grinding and partly from the idea of having to dance – to touch – Dorothy.

"I’d love to! I haven’t danced in so long!" I grudgingly offer my hand and lead her out to the dance floor. I suppress a shudder of anger and disgust as I wrap my arm around her waist. "It’s been a long time, Heero."

"Not long enough," I blurt out.

"I see we’ve dropped the pleasantries. That’s fine. I’ve always hated all the phoniness of these sort of things."

"Why did you come here?"

"I was feeling lonely. But I can see you’re not lonely. You, after all, have her," she glances over to where Relena is talking to some of the other guests. Familiar pain squeezes at my heart.

"We…we aren’t together," I stammer. After I opened up the gates, she lost interest, I want to say, but can’t.

"Oh?"

"Well where’s Quatre?" I fire at her.

"Ouch, cheap shot, Heero. Where is that monkey and his clown anyway?"

"Check the coat room."

"My my, haven’t we become the outspoken one! When did you have time to change so much?"

"Like you said, it’s been a long time," I smirk, catching her in her own trap. I like this innocent banter. Maybe Relena is right, maybe we can be friends…Dorothy presses her body up against mine. I cough and stare in shock at her. "Wh-What are you doing?"

"Don’t you miss the old days, Heero?" she says, her tone suddenly switching from playful to dead serious.

"The old days?"

"Weren’t things so much simpler back then?"

"Yeah…" I sigh almost dreamily.

"I’ve been unhappy for a long time, Heero. It seems I can never distract myself enough, I always end up daydreaming about the way it use to be. You can understand, can’t you?

"Yeah."

"I knew you would. That’s why I came here. I saw Relena would be attending and assumed you two were an item by now. I thought that if I saw you or even just talked to you, I would feel better. That I would forget about the thrill…no the simplicity of war. But I came here and found you bawling your eyes out. And the way Relena drags you around like her personal plaything! Well I feel even more depressed. You’ve changed, Heero, and not for the better."

"You’re right…" I murmur. Everything she says is so true, but what about the progress Relena always talks about? I laugh now and smile…but am I happy? What about all those times I’m not smiling. Those times I’m crying…

"Let’s go check out that coat room," she breathes into my ear. I nod and we quickly walk off the dance floor.

We disappear into a dining room across the hall. She pounces on me, kissing me hard on the mouth. Her strength surprises me as she keeps me firmly pinned between her body and the wall. It feels so good and so right to be here kissing her. She hitches up her leg and rubs her knee in-between my legs and I break the kiss gasping for air. I try to get my hands free of her iron grip, but she tightens her hold and attacks my neck with biting kisses. A small voice screams "Stupid! Stupid and impulsive!" but I ignore it. My brain ceases to bicker as my body takes over.

* * *

I wince slightly as I sit down at the table. I glance up to see a victorious smile on Dorothy’s mouth.

"Did you sleep well, Dorothy?" Relena asks as she sits down.

"Very well, Miss Relena. Thank you for putting me up for the night."

"Of course! We’ve got plenty of room here. I hope you’ll consider spending the rest of your trip here." A small strangling sound escapes me. I don’t think I can handle anymore Dorothy. I feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and lived to tell about it. Relena gives me a funny look, and I smile nervously.

"Well, if you insist…" Dorothy says reluctantly, feigning it very well. I can see the excitement in her eyes. The servants bring breakfast and I choke down as much as my battered body can handle. Relena looks over at me.

"Are you feeling okay, Heero? You look flushed," Relena asks and lays a cold hand on my forehead.

"Uh…I’m just tired…from the party, nothing else!" I add quickly with a nervous laugh.

"You feel warm. You should stay in bed today," she says, looking me over carefully. Gone are the days of Heero the Unbreakable. Now I am Heero the Sickly. I always overhear Relena talking to Quatre about my "frail and unstable health." To Quatre!

"Okay," I say docilely. If I argued it would only win me an extra visit to the shrink to work on my "anger management." I sigh and get up. I can’t meet Dorothy’s eyes. I’m too ashamed. She was right; I am only Relena’s plaything. I’m the child she always wanted. And I can’t even do anything about it.

I lay down on my back and smile as the mattress sinks around me. Sooo comfortable. The door opens and I expect Relena to come bursting through with a thermometer to shove under my tongue and a cold rag to put on my forehead, but instead Dorothy walks in and quietly shuts the door behind her.

"Oh Heero, it’s worse than I thought," she says gravely as she walks over to my bed.

"What?"

"The way everyone treats you. They think you’re crazy. They think you can’t take care of yourself," she tsks. She climbs up onto the bed and I wince in pain as she lays down on top of me, her chin cupped in her hands and her elbows digging into my rib cage.

"Dorothy…"

"What is it Heero? Was it too rough for you last night? When did you get so weak anyway?" she says, squeezing my upper arm. When did I get so thin?

"No, it’s not that," I lie, "But…what if Relena comes in?"

"Don’t worry, she’s taking an emergency conference call in her office. I told her I’d come up here and make sure you were okay until she could come check on you. So…" she smiles at me and kisses me on my bruised lips. I feel her hand slip underneath my shirt and I shiver as she traces circles on my stomach. She laughs, sending vibrations into my mouth and down my throat.

"Dorothy, stop!" I yell, breaking the kiss.

"What’s wrong?"

"This isn’t right. I…I’m trying to get better, and this isn’t helping!"

"I’ll try harder," she smirks and her hand travels into my pants. I moan as she squeezes, and for a moment everything seems to make sense. If it feels good, do it! my brain screams at me.

* * *

Relena holds a glass of juice to my lips and I drink it down greedily. She sets the glass down on the nightstand and pulls the blankets up to my chin.

"I’m sorry I have to leave, but I’m sure you and Duo will have lots of fun," she says and kisses me lightly on the forehead. The patronizing tone leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but instead of displaying my disgust I only nod dumbly. She stands up and turns away from me to Duo. I look out the window, pretending to be disinterested in their hushed conversation, but I hone in on every word I can.

"Make sure he eats…don’t mind Dorothy…doctor…every Tuesday…"

"Don’t worry, we’ll be fine!"

"I know…it’s just…sick…."

"You can trust me, Relena!"

"I know…Heero?" I look at her. "I’m leaving now. Bye."

"Bye," I say with no emotion. Duo ushers her out of my room. He closes the door gently behind her. I let out a mental sigh and look at Duo. Hopefully my best friend will be able to see I’m back to normal…I watch as he pulls a chair up beside my bed.

"So what’s going on, Heero?" he says enthusiastically. Good, nothing out of the ordinary yet.

"Nothing much," I say and pull the covers off, swinging my feet over the side of the bed.

"Whoa, where you going?" Duo lays a hand on my chest before I can get up. I look at him.

"Downstairs."

"You have to stay in bed," he says, comically shaking a finger at me for emphasis.

"Duo, I’m not sick."

"Relena says-"

"Who cares what Relena says?! Duo, listen to me! I’m not crazy!"

"I never said you were crazy, Heero."

"But you think it! Duo, I’m not sick! I’m fine! I’m better now!"

"Heero, lay down," I flinch at his tone.

"You wouldn’t talk to me like that if you didn’t think I was crazy. You wouldn’t treat me like I don’t know anything," I say angrily and push his hand away. I get to my feet, but Duo forces me back down to the bed. "Get off of me!" I scream. I throw a punch at him, but he catches my fist and forces both my hands down to my sides. I struggle against him, but he’s too strong. I let myself go limp.

"Heero…" he starts sadly, making me angry again.

"What? What is it?! Don’t talk to me like I don’t know anything!"

"Calm down. I don’t want to have to call the doctor."

"Don’t threaten me, damn you!"

"I’m trying to help you!"

"Don’t! Just don’t…" I lay back on the bed, too tired to fight anymore. Tired… "I’m so tired, Duo. So tired…so tired of everything. I’m tired of Relena. I’m tired of the doctors. I’m tired…I wish I had a gun. I wish I could go back to the old days…" I moan pathetically. Duo’s face is grave and sorry. My hands stretch up from their pinned positions, begging to be held. Never in all my life have I had such a strong need to be hugged and touched. It’s like something inside me is being shredded every millisecond I’m not being held. Duo pulls me up into his arms and I grab onto him as tight as I can, burying my face against his neck.

* * *

"Heero, I’m tired of asking you the same question over and over. You told Duo you wished you had a gun. What did you mean by that?" Doctor Camp sighs. I give him the same stare I have been for the past fifteen minutes. He rubs his eyes and I fold my arms across my chest. The appointment has been going nowhere – for Dr. C. It’s been going everywhere for me. He looks up at me. "Heero, do you want to be committed again?" I shoot him a death glare, wishing I had a gun so I could really blow him away.

"I’m not crazy."

"I’m sorry…that was inappropriate of me. If-"

"No. If you think I’m crazy you should say so."

"I don’t think you’re crazy. I just want to help you work out a few problems. You know that. How long have we known each other, Heero? Seven, eight years?"

"What’s your point?"

"I’m your friend. I only want to help you."

"Sure…" I sneer and close my eyes.

"You know it’s true. I don’t get any money from it."

"But if you "cure" me, you’ll be famous-"

"That’s not-"

"DON’T interrupt me! Actually, you’re already famous for "undoing" Dr. J’s "evil" work. Well it wasn’t evil at all. It wasn’t even his work! You and Relena and everyone else tried to change me after the war, not help me."

"Heero, you know that’s not true."

"I’m done talking to you," I say and get up.

"Where are you going? Heero, stop right there," he lays a hand on my shoulder. Something from long ago kicks inside me and I reach out and snap the doctor’s neck in one, fluid motion. I let the body drop in half horror and half amazement.

"I…I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again. Honest," I mutter. I nudge the body with my toe. Lifeless eyes stare back at me. Murder…I’m a murderer. My head pounds. It’s too much! I can’t take this anymore! I feel my expression of horror suddenly fall slack and relaxed. I stumble over to a window in the office and stare at my reflection. My old face…my old mask…I run my hands over my features. I feel better. Much better. All the pain in my head and chest is gone, pushed away. All the memories placed far back where they belong.

"Dorothy!" I call throughout the seemingly empty house. With Relena and her entourage gone, Duo still waiting at the psychologist’s office for me, the house seems a lot bigger. Where can she be hiding? A flash of blond at my right makes me step back as Dorothy comes running in, hoping to have tackled me to the ground. I smile and catch her attack with a strong grip. She looks up at me in shock, then a smile forms on her lips too.

"What happened to you?"

"Nothing," I reply in that wonderful monotone I remember so well from my youth. I kiss her, growling into her mouth. I break the kiss, but keep my lips on hers. "We have to get out of here."

 * * *

I push her down onto the hotel bed. She smiles at me mischievously as she undoes the buttons on my shirt. It’s like she re-ignited the fight in me, the physical side to me. For so long I was trapped in my own mind, my own pain, and I couldn’t get out of the darkness. The darkness that Relena insisted I expose to her. The darkness she said I had to deal with. She said it wasn’t healthy to block it all out. But when I let the gates open I couldn’t get them closed. And I lost ten years of my life. Ten years I spent in and out of hospitals, doctors’ offices, sanity and insanity. Ten years I spent hopped up on this anti-depressant and that sedative. And now as I look down at this beautiful girl under me, this girl that made me realize life isn’t worth living if you’re in pain, I’ve decided I’m going to live a little. I’m going to follow my emotions, even if I don’t fully understand them.

"Let’s wrestle," she whispers in my ear.